For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, and now Hey Girl Tweets! Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy March’s series of Urban Myth tweets!
Day One – Hey girl you must be a global energy crisis because I’m worried about you. đ
Day Two – Hey girl are you the Super Bowl ’cause lots of bros are eating Doritos & having strong yet uniformed opinions about you.
Day Three – Hey girl you must be cheese, napping, or Benedict Cumberbatch because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Day Four – Hey girl are you a desk set from Ikea because I can’t pronounce your name and I feel stupid about that.
Day Five – Hey girl you must be a blockbuster video because I can never go back to you and I still have some of your DVDs.
Day Six – Hey girl you must be Tom Petty because you have nice blonde hair and seem like you would be fun to have a beer with.
Day Seven – Hey girl you must be a dairy product because I want you but I can’t have you I am lactose intolerant. đ
Day Eight – HEY GIRL YOU MUST BE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I CAN’T TELL IF YOU’RE EXCITED OR ANGRY ALSO I AM EMOTIONALLY TONE DEAF
Day Nine – Hey girl you must be LinkedIn because you keep sending me emails about stuff I don’t give a shit about.
Day Ten – Hey girl you must be The Hobbit: Part Two: The Desolation of Smaug because I’m not interested in seeing you. Sorry.
Day Eleven – Hey girl you must be poutine because you’re from Canada and a lot of people like you.
Day Twelve – Hey girl you must be an Oxford comma because you help me understand, process, and clarify things.
Day Thirteen – Hey girl you must be a horcrux because you have my soul but I also have six other girlfriends. I am a horrible person.
Day Fourteen – Hey girl you must be a gift card to Radio Shack because I have absolutely no idea what to do with you tonight. đ
Day Fifteen – Hey girl you must be Google Plus because I can’t convince any of my friends to hang out with you. đ
Day Sixteen – Hey girl you must be the red wedding episode of Game of Thrones because I can’t think about you without crying.
Day Seventeen – Hey girl you must be former United States President Theodore Roosevelt because I named a stuffed bear after you.
Day Eighteen – Hey girl you must be one of those blankets with arms because you make me feel warm and safe and you have arms.
Day Nineteen – Hey girl you must be an Upworthy article because I honestly don’t believe anything you say.
Day Twenty – Hey girl you must be a nice long nap because I want you every afternoon.
Day Twenty-One – Hey girl you must be x where x equals beautiful times the square root of smart divided by awesome I am very bad at math
Day Twenty-Two – Hey gorilla you must be autocorrect because I didn’t mean to call you a gorilla.
Day Twenty-Three – Hey girl you must be a fruity rum drink because you’re very sweet but I know you’re hiding something.
Day Twenty-Four – Hey girl you must be the norovirus because I can’t get away from you.
Day Twenty-Five – Hey girl you must be Harrison Ford because I like you even when you’re grumpy and don’t want to talk about Star Wars.
Day Twenty-Six – Hey girl you must be the iTunes user agreement because I agree with whatever you say so we can just move the hell on.
Day Twenty-Seven – Hey girl you must be. Cognizance of our own existence is a defining trait of humanity. I have a liberal arts degree.
Day Twenty-Eight – Hey girl you must be this joke structure because I really like you but I think we need a little time apart.
Your Hey Girl friend,
Joseph
If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.
