This comedy blog post was made possible by Patreon. One of the rewards for becoming a Patreon backer is suggesting a topic for the blog. My friend and kind Patreon patron, Angela Webber of The Doubleclicks, gave me the very fun suggestion of “toys that come to life.” This unlocked a deep memory of humorous toy horror. Enjoy!
I had a lot of action figures growing up.
For the most part, if any of them talked it was because I was saying things for them. I was working through emotional issues, like the time I made Han Solo and Princess Leia go see Yoda for couples counseling.
That’s a true story. Learned a lot about expressing ourselves, we all did.
But I only had one action figure that actually talked. It was a huge hunk of plastic molded into the shape of the Spider-Man villain, Venom.
At the time, I thought a talking action figure was amazing. Now inanimate objects talk to me constantly. The other day, I accidentally activated Siri in my pants. I was walking down the street when I heard Siri’s muffled voice come out of my front pocket saying, “Joseph! I can’t help you find what you’re looking for.” I understand, Siri, I understand.
But Venom was amazing! He said three awesome things! Each corresponding to a different button!
Pushing the first button made Venom say, “Die, Spider-Man!” This was great. It was like his thesis statement. Clear, concise, great open communication. Yoda would be proud.
The second button made Venom say, “Hisssssss!” To be clear, he didn’t make a hissing sound. He said “Hissssss!” like it was a word. It was over-pronounced and insincere. Venom said “Hisssssss!” like he was doing musical theater. Like “Hisssssss!” was his big solo number in A Chorus Line.
But the third phrase was worth wading through all the musical theater in the world. When you pressed the third button Venom said, “I want to eat your brain!”
At the time, an action figure that said “I want to eat your brain” was one of the best things in my entire life. It was the verbal equivalent of accidentally hitting yourself in the balls: it was equal parts scary and hilarious.
I took Venom around and made him tell everyone that he wanted to eat their brain. He told my brother, he told my chihuahua, he told Luke Skywalker in Bespin Fatigues, he told my mother who was actually fatigued from life.
Eventually, six or seven months later, it got old. I set Venom on my dresser and forgot about him.
Until one terrifying night.
I was having a dream that someone was talking to me. Saying the same thing over and over. I struggled out of the dream and realized someone was actually talking to me. Someone inside my bedroom.
It was Venom. And he wanted to eat my brain.
It took me a few minutes to identify it. But when I did it was unmistakable.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
“Weird,” I thought as I got up, stumbled over to the bed, and hit Venom’s brain-talking button. Unlike Siri, Venom stopped talking immediately.
I went back to bed. And Venom started up again.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I tried hitting all of his buttons repeatedly but he wouldn’t stop.
The closest thing I had ever experienced to this was watching an adult with a baby that wouldn’t stop crying. I could have held him or gently rocked him. Instead, I wrapped him in a sack and buried him in my closet.
But I could still hear him.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.
I tried to hear what he was saying differently, to imagine he was saying something less horrific like “I want to eat more bran.” So I hid under the covers and listened to that for a while.
I WANT TO EAT MORE BRAN.
I WANT TO EAT MORE BRAN.
I WANT TO EAT MORE BRAN.
Somehow that was more disturbing.
I was full of questions.
Why didn’t his batteries run out?
Was…was it possible that he was actually alive?
What would that be like to be trapped in plastic with only three things to say?
What three things would I say?
Probably “Thank you,” “I’m sorry,” and “Why?”
Or maybe “burrito” mixed in there. But would it be a question or a statement?
Burrito? Burrito! Probably burrito with an interrobang. Burrito!?
Eventually, I gave in and decided to really LISTEN to what Venom was saying. And I realized he wasn’t saying “I want to eat your brains.” He was saying “I want to eat your brain.”
To me, “brains” always sounded like the physical matter. Zombies want to eat our brains. No ambiguity there. Our heads are their burritos.
But “brain” singular seemed like a concept. Like Venom wanted to digest my mind. So I tried my best to hear it that way. I cowered in bed and listened to a possibly sentient action figure buried in a closet say:
I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU.
I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU.
I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU.
And eventually I drifted off to sleep.
In the morning, I was sure it was a fever dream. I went to the closet. I listened at the door. Nothing. I slowly opened the door. I gently unwrapped the towel.
And then I heard it.
I want to eat your brain.
I want to eat your brain.
I want to eat your brain.
It was just a whisper now. Soft and gentle like a lullaby. A brain eating lullaby.
I wrapped Venom back up and put him away. I didn’t hear him again.
Years later, I was packing up to move and I found Venom buried in the closet.
I assumed his batteries had long since burned out. I didn’t want to push his button and hear the nothing. But I decided to take a risk. I pushed his button.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN!
He screamed at full volume! Wow! I tried hitting his “Die, Spider-Man!” and “Hisssssss!” buttons.
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN!
I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN!
To this very day, I still own that action figure. And to this day, all he will say is “I WANT TO EAT YOUR BRAIN.”
And he says it loud and proud.
A good reminder that I should try to be like Venom. I should say what I mean, loud and proud.
THANK YOU.
I’M SORRY.
BURRITO!?
That’s good, clear, open communication. Thanks, Venom.
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