Like most normal humans, I spend a lot of my time thinking about Batman. During the holiday season, I find myself wondering how The Dark Knight would feel about the infamous altered lyrics to the holiday tune “Jingle Bells.” So I wrote that. For maximum enjoyment, please read this out loud to yourself in a deep, guttural bat-voice. Enjoy.
Hello. I’m Batman.
I am vengeance. I am the night. I’m upset about the Batman version of “Jingle Bells.” You know, the one where children replace the normal chorus with one about me, Batman. I’m Batman.
Not only are the lyrics insulting, they’re riddled with inaccuracies.
Here are the traditional bat-lyrics:
Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And the Joker got away
Hey!
I will note the Hey! is optional. Let’s break this down line by line.
Jingle Bells.
That’s fine.
Batman smells.
You would think I’d have a problem with that line.
YOU WOULD BE WRONG.
Of course, I smell. I spend hours fighting, sweating, and bleeding in tight constrictive body armor. I am rank. I am like a thousand filthy locker rooms filled with a thousand wet dogs.
I am your worst olfactory nightmare. And I like it that way.
My goal is to strike terror in the hearts of criminals. I can’t really do that if I smell nice. I don’t want to pop out of the shadows, grab some punk, and then have them say, “Well, he looks scary but he smells like lavender.”
That’s just stupid.
I don’t want Catwoman to be able to track me through the city because she can pick up a faint odor of cinnamon and nutmeg.
I’m not a fancy coffee drink. I’m Batman. Let’s move on.
Robin laid an egg
This one is just dumb, dumb, super-double-dumb. I didn’t even get it at first. Why would Robin lay an egg? Oh, because Robin is also the name of a bird.
Ha ha ha. Very funny.
NO, IT’S NOT. HE’S AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY.
I can think of at least three reasons an egg should not be coming out of him.
You think it’s funny to sing Robin laid an egg? Well, you take a second and picture that actually happening. Gross.
Besides, I don’t even work with Robin that much anymore. He’s too loud and bright. It’s like Katy Perry doing a duet with The Cure.
Yes, I know pop culture references. Shut up. Let’s move on.
The Batmobile lost a wheel
Okay, this happens sometimes. It’s a car I use to fight crime. It’s not like I accidentally drove over a broken Nalgene bottle on my way to take the kids to soccer practice in the PT Cruiser.
The Batmobile gets shot all the time. WITH ROCKETS AND EVERYTHING.
I lose wheels. What am I supposed to do? Pull over and call AAA?
That’s STUPID! This one makes me really mad. Let’s move on.
The Joker got away
Again, yes, this happens. I keep letting the Joker get away. I want to end his reign of terror once and for all, I want to take his spindly clown neck in my powerful bat-hands and just…it would be so easy…but then I would be just as bad as him wouldn’t I?
Finally, the optional lyric: Hey!
This one doesn’t bother me too much. But I would prefer that it was a more aggressive crimefighting type noise.
Something like Unnnghha!
That would be better. In fact, here are some better lyrics for the whole damn thing.
Jingle Bells, Batman repels
Like I’m repelling crime in a broad sense. Or it can be “rappels” like I’m climbing down a wall.
Robin is not here
He’s not. I don’t hang out with him any more. When was the last time you saw us together? Get over it.
The Batmobile performed to spec
That’s respectful to the engineers who designed the car. It’s an impressive technical accomplishment.
The Joker is in jail
Because I do actually catch him sometimes. LIKE CONSTANTLY. LIKE EVERY TIME WE FIGHT I CATCH HIM, JERKS.
So, putting it all together, you should sing.
Jingle Bells, Batman Repels
Robin is not here
The Batmobile performed to spec
The Joker is in jail
Unnnghha!
Or if you must associate Batman with a holiday song, here are some other options.
You could turn “O, Holy Night” into “O, Dark Knight.” There’s a missing syllable so you have to kind of bend the note like O, Da—ark Knight. But like so many things in life, it will work IF YOU FORCE IT.
Or you could sing a song from my perspective. Like you could change “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” and make that “All I Want For Christmas Is Your Two Front Teeth.” Because that’s what I’m saying to some criminal punk before I punch him in the mouth. And I knock his teeth out. For Christmas.
Or you could take “Let it snow!” and change it to “Let Her Go!”
Like the Joker is dangling someone you love out of a window so you sing a song about it.
Let Her Go! Let Her Go! Let Her Go!
That would have to be in a minor key, though, just thematically.
Anyway, I have a lot of ideas. I could go on like this all night.
But duty calls and I must answer. For I am the caped crusader.
I am vengeance. I am the night. I know I smell and I’m okay with that.
I’m Batman. Unnnghha!
Did you read it in a deep voice? Does your throat hurt? Happy holidays! This story is now available in audio format as part of my comedy album A VERY HOLIDAY THING. The album and the blog post were made possible by funding from Patreon. Thanks, patrons!
