Joseph Scrimshaw

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, and now holiday tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy January’s series of resolution tweets!

Day One – Judging by title alone, Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses is a great Christmas Carol.

Day Two – “HI HI HI!” -Creepy Autocorrect Santa Claus.

Day Three – Other things you can leave out for Santa: kale.

Day Four – Candy canes are funny because they’re like penises. Bright, colorful, horribly bent penises wrapped in plastic.

Day Five – He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, had a burrito, cried in the shower, watched Teen Mom.

Day Six – “Bah Humbug!” is actually an old Victorian curse that translates to “All y’all Christmas bitches can go hump a goose!”

Day Seven – If you don’t like it when people tell you long pointless stories about their weird dreams DON’T GO TO THE NUTCRACKER.

Day Eight – Some of the reindeer games Rudolph didn’t get to play: Settlers of Catan, Russian Roulette, and #AddDickToAStarWarsQuote.

Day Nine – “Mistletoe” is a very old european word that roughly translates to “harassment bush.”

Day Ten – People are upset if you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, so let’s all say “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

Day Eleven – My favorite holiday special is probably “Some Adults Who Were Doing Cocaine in the 1970s Thought Kids Might Like This.”

Day Twelve – The modern equivalent of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh is an Xbox One, a neti pot, and $1 gift card to The Body Shop.

Day Thirteen – It’s the thought that counts. This holiday, give your family thoughts like “I like ham,” “I want money,” and “Why?”

Day Fourteen – Ten years ago, I heard someone mispronounce The Nutcracker as The Nutcrapper and I’ve been laughing ever since.

Day Fifteen – I don’t have a cat so every night I have to get up and knock shit off my Christmas Tree myself. Pain in the ass.

Day Sixteen – If you’ve been very naughty this year expect Santa to send you a LinkedIn invitation and a snap chat pic of dog poo.

Day Seventeen – Here’s the complete list of Santa’s lists: Nice, Naughty, Neurotic, Necromancers, Napoleonic, Needy, Nuts, Nerf-Herders.

Day Eighteen – Trader Joe’s should sell a special white wine for the holidays called COPE.

Day Nineteen – Other reindeer names: Runny, Dingle, Chopper, Fumble, Samantha, Conrad, Private Dancer, Freak Nose, Cancer, and Mandy.

Day Twenty – “But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?” WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK FAMOUS MEANS, SONG?

Day Twenty-One – Not all holiday specials have to be a “VERY” something. I would watch “A MILD Ebola Outbreak Christmas.”

Day Twenty-Two – As you gather with your families, give them the special gift of speaking only in best of lists.

Day Twenty-Three – Santa knows, but does not give two shits about, your Klout score.

Day Twenty-Four – A sad Christmas fact: Santa will be unable to find your house if your address is 404.

Day Twenty-Five – According to my autocorrect, Christmas marks the anniversary of the day Chris was bored.

Day Twenty-Six – Traditional 21st Century Boxing Day traditions include looking up Boxing Day on Wikipedia and going “Oh, yeah, right.”

Day Twenty-Seven – My 2014 resolution is to remove “amazeballs” from my vocabulary and replace it with “greattesticles.” Time to grow up.

Day Twenty-Eight – My inner fridge is still stuffed with cold emotional leftovers.

Day Twenty-Nine – Here’s a list of the most forgettable events of 2013: 1) Diane in 7A
2) Uh 3) Um 4) Something about a cat??? 5) Screw it

Day Thirty – I tried to type a joke about my 2014 resolution but I typed 3014 instead. I’m going to go with that. Look out, 3014!

Day Thirty-One: Setting up the Whiskey Tree, hanging the regret pole & putting out the vomit bucket for Hangover Claus! Happy New Year!

Your friend in writing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.