I hear people say–with alarming frequency–that they want politicians who are “regular people.” Presidents, governors, mayors who spend their time and energy thinking about the things regular folks do. You know, important stuff like burritos, vampires, and animated gifs of llamas that look like Tom Hiddleston. In that spirit, here’s a heated debate between two politicians about a subject near and dear to our hearts: Which popular animal is better? Cats or dinosaurs? Enjoy!
CAT GUY:
Friends. Neighbors. Pet lovers. I’m a simple man. With a simple belief. Yes. I said belief. I only have one. And it is this: CATS ARE AWESOME.
I intend to prove this with a simple mnemonic device. The three C’s. Cats are cute. Cats are cuddly. Cats will lick their own crotches while staring at you with judgment in their eyes. That IS bold. Over the course of this debate, I will ask you to remember the three C’s. Cute. Cuddly. Crotch licking. It’s just that simple, America.
DINOSAUR GUY:
With respect to my opponent, Dinosaurs have everything that cats have and much more.
Take for example the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex. Is a T-Rex cute? Yes, they have those tiny adorable little arms. Just imagine them doing things like opening a jar of peanut butter or smoking a little eCigarette. How cute is that?
Is a T-Rex cuddly? Yes. A T-Rex would give anyone a giant hug. WITH ITS MOUTH. Because it is the best predator the world has ever known.
Now I am the first to admit, and I’m on record with this, a T-Rex cannot lick its own crotch. But there are several dinosaurs who can. Take for example, the diplodocus. With a neck almost twenty feet long there is frankly nothing it could not lick. There are thousands of different cool dinosaurs, but a cat is just a cat.
CAT GUY:
You son of a bitch. There are millions of different kinds of cats.
There are sassy pants cats. Cutie-pie cats. Cool customer cats. Cats who like their bellies rubbed and cats who like their ears scritched.
Why, sir, there is a whole different group of cats you might have heard of called KITTENS. They’re like normal cats but more potent. They are the crack cocaine of the cat world. They are WEAPONIZED CUTE.
DINOSAUR GUY:
You bastard person. It is an insult to America to describe a kitten as a weapon. You want to talk about weapons?
Let’s talk about the pachycephalosaurus. It’s skull was ten inches thick. And I ask you what is more American than an animal that is specifically designed to resolve problems by repeatedly bashing it’s head against stuff?
Why, just one pachycephalosaurus could defeat entire communities of cats by smacking them with its head. A cat would pop up and whack! It would be the most beautiful and disturbing game of whack-a-mole the world has ever seen.
CAT GUY:
I do not agree, I do not agree. Any cat could beat any dinosaur in a fight and I will tell you how. The cats would wait. They would wait just a few million years. And the dinosaur would turn into a bird. And the cat would eat it. And I would take a picture of that and put it on facebook and all of my friends would like it.
DINOSAUR GUY:
Look, let’s talk common sense. Dinosaurs don’t even have to fight cats. The cats of today are defeating themselves with their rampant abuse of the street drug commonly known as catnip.
CAT GUY:
Hey, I make no argument that catnip is a major issue in the cat community. But the drug abuse is just a symptom of larger economic and class issues.
That said, many of our most famous cats have resisted the siren call of this deadly narcotic. Garfield. Hello Kitty. The Hang In There Cat from the motivational poster. I ask you, sir, what would a dinosaur themed motivational poster say? Hang In There Until We All Get Killed By A Giant Rock?
DINOSAUR GUY:
That is uncalled for, sir. But I have come to expect such uncivilized attacks from someone who loves such an uncivilized animal as a cat.
CAT GUY:
Uncivilized? CATS POOP IN A BOX. Where did dinosaurs poop? Literally everywhere! Montana! China! The middle of an Ikea store! Doesn’t matter to a dinosaur!
DINOSAUR GUY:
Yes! Yes! Dinosaurs did indeed poop everywhere. GIVING US FOSSIL FUELS!
CAT GUY:
That is dubious science at best, sir!
DINOSAUR GUY:
America, when you get in your car and drive yourself to the hospital after you have contracted toxoplasmosis or some other disease from cat poop, remember your car is running on ancient dinosaur shit and say, “Thanks, dinosaurs! Thank you for pooping everywhere! And no thanks, cats, for all the horrible diseases!”
CAT GUY:
Cats do not give humans diseases!
DINOSAUR GUY:
Cats have given human society one of the most dangerous social diseases of our time. I am of course speaking of Cat Ladies. Strange, agoraphobic hoarders who collect cats like they were Pokemon trading cards.
CAT GUY:
Well, Dinosaurs have also created a menace to polite human society.
DINSOAUR GUY:
What? What menace?
CAT GUY:
Dinosaur Kids.
DINOSAUR GUY:
What the hell is a Dinosaur Kid?
CAT GUY:
A Dinosaur Kid is a normally sweet, polite child who will absolutely LOSE THEIR SHIT if an adult says one mildly incorrect fact about a dinosaur.
DINOSAUR GUY:
That is a slanderous stereotype!
CAT GUY:
Why, even adult fans of dinosaurs can’t stop themselves from shouting obnoxious pedantic corrections about dinosaur factoids. For example if I said something like a triceratops had four horns! All located on its buttocks!
DINOSAUR GUY:
Hnnggghhhh.
CAT GUY:
Or did you know that a brontosaurus ate only meat and was actually covered with a thick layer of sequins? Yes, everyone knows the brontosaurus was basically a giant meat-loving showgirl!
DINOSAUR GUY:
Urrgghhhaaauuuaaa.
CAT GUY:
And the velociraptor? Oh boy, the velociraptor was the biggest dinosaur of them all! It was eight thousand feet tall! It had seventeen tails! It had claws for eyelashes! It only ate marijuana plants and as a result velociraptors pooped Grateful Dead CDs! PLUS velocirptors always wore fedoras!
DINOSAUR GUY:
Stop it! Stop it! You monster!
CAT GUY:
There’s no reason to be oversensitive. Be like a cat and play it cool.
DINOSAUR GUY:
GARFIELD IS STUPID. IT’S A TERRIBLE CARTOON. IT’S ABOUT A CAT WHO EATS LASAGNA. IT’S AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR HEART DISEASE. IT’S A BETTER CARTOON WITHOUT THE CAT IN IT. DOES THAT UPSET YOU? WHY DON’T YOU JUST “HANG IN THERE”?
CAT GUY:
Hey! Hey! Too far! Too far!
DINOSAUR GUY:
You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That was unfair. Look, we’ve both said some hurtful things. Let’s just call a truce. I admit there are many cool things about cats.
CAT GUY:
And I concede that not all dinosaurs were great big stupid heads.
DINOSAUR GUY:
In fact, I would like to reach across the aisle and say the best animal of all would be a monstrous cat-dinosaur hybrid.
CAT GUY:
Indeed. A compromise is exactly what America deserves.
DINOSAUR GUY:
A compromise in the form of a giant, furry, Tyrannosaurs Kitty Rex. It would be cute and clever.
CAT GUY:
It would poop in a box!
DINOSAUR GUY:
It would have a skull at least two miles miles thick!
CAT GUY:
And as god is my witness, it would find a way to lick its own crotch.
DINOSAUR GUY:
Because America.
CAT GUY and DINOSAUR GUY:
Thank you!
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