For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, and now INCORRECT FACTS. Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy August’s series of Marketing Slogan tweets!
Day One – Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones weigh 37 pounds EACH.
Day Two – The Fantastic Four is made up of these characters: Rock Guy, Hot Johnny, See-Through Lady, and Mr. Amazeballs.
Day Three – The original name of the Bill of Rights was Ten Amendments You Probably Don’t Comprehend The Actual Meaning Of.
Day Four – Cargo Pants were originally called Storage Trousers.
Day Five – The Batman v Superman movie will be a two hour tracking shot of every single DC character crying in the rain.
Day Six – If you eat #kale but don’t tell anyone about it, you won’t get any nutritional value.
Day Seven – John Travolta, Grumpy Cat, and the ghost of Orson Welles have all been cast in the new Star Wars movie.
Day Eight – Schrodinger’s Banana is a paradox in which he is both happy to see you and also has a banana in his pocket.
Day Nine – If you don’t respond to an email within 7 days, you will be killed by an animated gif of the girl from The Ring.
Day Ten – Coffee is healthier if you put all these things in it: butter, Kraft macaroni & cheese, meatballs, acid, poutine.
Day Eleven – There are several dating sites for comedians who just want to meet crazy people and get new material.
Day Twelve – That plastic bag you saw blowing around the street was an amazing motion capture performance by Andy Serkis.
Day Thirteen – Aquaman has a lot of friends.
Day Fourteen – “A case of the Mondays” is a polite euphemism for syphilis.
Day Fifteen – A lot of people have sex in the back of PT Cruisers.
Day Sixteen – Proposing to your significant other via a LinkedIn message is pants-droppingly romantic.
Day Seventeen – The four food groups are: Meat, kale, Doritos dust, and your feelings.
Day Eighteen – Harrison Ford’s earring is a horcrux.
Day Nineteen – The concept for The Purge is based on Trader Joe’s Parking Lots.
Day Twenty – It is illegal to not have a podcast.
Day Twenty-One – The sound bees make is not buzzing. They are screaming about Nicolas Cage.
Day Twenty-Two – Nothing weird happened in Florida today.
Day Twenty-Three – “Twitter” is a clever anagram for “I’ve wasted my life.”
Day Twenty-Four – If you mix Pop Rocks with Mountain Dew it will kill your D&D character.
Day Twenty-Five – Superman’s motto is Truth, Justice, and Sometimes Murder Is Okay.
Day Twenty-Six – The term #yolo was invented by Eleanor Roosevelt during a UFC bout right before she bit a guy’s finger off.
Day Twenty-Seven – If you blow hard enough on an old Nintendo cartridge, Mario will appear and give you three extra lives.
Day Twenty-Eight – A great name for a middle-aged male stripper is “Sex Ed.”
Day Twenty-Nine – Trough urinals in public restrooms are a great place to make eye contact with strangers.
Day Thirty – If you have an opinion and you don’t put it on the internet you will burst into flames.
Day Thirty-One – Every single episode of The Golden Girls was written by a time-traveling H.P. Lovecraft.
Yours in Ignorance,
Joseph
If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.
