For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, and now daily affirmations. If you need a little something to put it all in perspective here’s 31 cranky jokes about feel-good aphorisms!
Enjoy! You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy June’s series of Daily Etiquette Tweets.
Day One: You are almost good enough. And that’s almost okay.
Day Two: Dance like no one is willing to watch.
Day Three: You are like a comma. People put you in weird places and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Day Four: There are no limits in life. I would elaborate but I only have 140 characters for this tweet.
Day Five: Don’t lower your goals. Raise your denial.
Day Six: We all create our own demons. Gain peace by making yours with construction paper, macaroni, and glue. No sniffing.
Day Seven: A fart is just the contented sigh of a well-fed soul.
Day Eight: Fall like no one will catch you.
Day Nine: Tweet with abandon; with love; with misused semi-colons; that will piss people; off.
Day Ten: A midday nap is a peaceful, natural way to tell the world, “I have no intention of answering your fucking emails.”
Day Eleven: Knowledge is power. Hammers are tools. Words are things. Cheetos aren’t food. Breathe. Believe. Don’t eat Cheetos.
Day Twelve: Approach life like a child. Like a screaming, exhausted monster with a partially developed brain.
Day Thirteen: Maybe don’t just stare at the abyss. Talk to it. Hug it. Rub the abyss’ feet. You get out what you put in.
Day Fourteen: ALWAYS BE DOING YOGA.
Day Fifteen: You have two middle fingers. This is nature’s way of reminding you to only be pissed off at two people at a time.
Day Sixteen: Sometimes that silver stuff lining the inside of your cloud is asbestos.
Day Seventeen: We are all winners. Except people who insist that we are all winners. They are trying too hard.
Day Eighteen: Don’t yell AT yourself, yell WITH yourself.
Day Nineteen: Your brain eats ideas. A healthy mind keeps the good parts and poops out the excess on social media.
Day Twenty: Look at the stars. Reflect on how small you are. If you already feel small, FOR FUCK’S SAKE DON’T LOOK AT THE STARS!
Day Twenty-One: Dress up like a bird. Spread your wings. Don’t jump off anything. You can’t fly and you look stupid.
Day Twenty-Two: Life is like an analogy about life. It makes sense when you are drunkenly explaining it to your friend at 2 am.
Day Twenty-Three: Give a TED talk like no one will link to it.
Day Twenty-Four: Receive your potential. Inbox your doubt. Target your now. Ride your hope. Move your donkey. I have aphasia.
Day Twenty-Five: Remember: you are not alone. There are people everywhere. They’re watching and judging. Always. 🙂
Day Twenty-Six: It’s important to nurture your inner adult. Do some laundry and stop eating cheese over the sink, for fuck’s sake.
Day Twenty-Seven: There is no one else in the world exactly like you and that’s okay. It’s great. A relief, actually.
Day Twenty-Eight: If at first you don’t succeed try, try one more time. Then just bitch about it on Facebook.
Day Twenty-Nine: Peace is a breath onto the wind of a soaring dolphin’s song of wings that blow in a waving field of bullshit.
Day Thirty: Post like no one will comment.
Day Thirty-One: Always remember: A trite saying a day will keep reality at bay.
Affirmatively,
Joseph
If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.
