A Man and His Taco Tweets

Tacos are the spirit food of the internet. Particularly, Twitter. When I first joined Twitter in 2009, I would often see tweets along the lines of:

“I just ate a taco!”

And then I would wonder why I was on Twitter. I wondered why I needed to know that someone just ate a taco.

Then I realized I didn’t need to know.

I wanted to know.

I enjoy sharing the daily march through life with a strange and diverse collection of humans. It’s nice to remember we all have victories, failures, and can’t eat a taco without tweeting about it.

On Jonathan Coulton’s JoCoCruiseCrazy, Bill Corbett hosted a panel on writing that eventually ended up as an episode of the great podcast Nerdist Writer’s Panel. During the panel, John Roderick mentioned he was publishing a book of tweets. We got into a discussion about the difference between the world seeing an artist’s creation unfold via social media versus presenting a complete finished product. I asked John if he considered his book of tweets a work in progress. He said, “Well, I’m not including a bunch of taco tweets.”

I was inspired to defend the artistic virtue of taco tweets. So for the month of March 2013, I tweeted about tacos once a day. Here, in all their victories and failures, are my taco tweets. Enjoy.

Day One: Today, for lunch, I did not have a taco.

Day Two: Here’s my breakfast taco recipe: Bacon, a crumpet, and a mimosa in a champagne flute, wrapped in a soft shell. No Doritos.

Day Three: Things that are bullshit: Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t serve tacos. What bullshit.

Day Four: When a man is tired of taco tweets, he is tired of the internet.

Day Five: FREE IDEA FOR CHEAP HOTELS: Replace your paintings of ducks with paintings of tacos. Automatic increase in business.

Day Six: Revenge is a dish best served without tacos. People like tacos.

Day Seven: How does one even define a taco? The tightness of the wrapping? Is a burrito just an uptight taco?

Day Eight: Things that don’t go well with eating tacos: Parkour.

Day Nine: Cookies are great, but if Girl Scouts really wanted to make money they would sell tacos.

Day Ten: Taco Fact: In the time it takes you to read this tweet a million tacos will be consumed at #SXSW.

Day Eleven: Taco fact: No one knows how or why, but Instagram photos of tacos outnumber actual tacos by 2 to 1.

Day Twelve: You are what you eat. Most Americans are 67% taco.

Day Thirteen: Taco fact: There is an actual taco bell. It rang only once in 1547 to declare an armistice in the war of hard versus soft.

Day Fourteen: No one has endorsed me on LinkedIn for tweeting about tacos.

Day Fifteen: Friday is casual taco day. If you work an office job you can eat tacos like you would at home: pantsless and crying.

Day Sixteen: Are there green tacos today? Don’t eat green tacos. It’s an insult to tacos, the color green, Ireland, and eating.

Day Seventeen: Old Irish Proverb: “Give me a taco, I’m Irish.”

Day Eighteen: Tacos are like metaphors. People put a bunch of weird stuff in them that doesn’t make sense to other people.

Day Nineteen: Taco Tip: No matter how much you love tacos, do not name your taco. If you eat a taco you’ve named Steve, you’re a monster.

Day Twenty: How would Batman eat a taco? SUDDENLY FROM OUT OF THE SHADOWS.

Day Twenty One: New idea for a charity event: Tacos Across America. A chain of people holding hands while other people feed them tacos.

Day Twenty Two: H.P. Lovecraft describes a taco: A hideous shelled monstrosity oozing with meat and the festering death of hunger itself.

Day Twenty Three: How to make a good action movie trailer: The hero calmly walks away from a giant explosion WHILE EATING A TACO.

Day Twenty Three BONUS TACO TWEET: Also, I’m 100% aware that I just wrote a tweet with the words “taco” and “explosion” without making a fart joke. I stand by this decision.

Day Twenty Four: Here is my recipe for a hangover taco: Meat, cheese, aspirin, lettuce, electrolytes, guilt, salsa.

Day Twenty Five: If someone is depressed a nice, reassuring, not too gross thing to say is “There’s a taco at the end of the tunnel.”

Day Twenty Six: A wise, old proverb: A prison made of tacos is not a prison at all.

Day Twenty Seven: In space, no one can hear you eat a taco.

Day Twenty Eight: In Mary Shelley’s original book, Frankenstein’s monster doesn’t say “FIRE BAD!” He says “FIRE BAD! TACOS GOOD!”

Day Twenty Nine: A confession: Sometimes I describe hard shell tacos as Daniel Craig’s abs tacos. It’s a pretty disturbing thing to do.

Day Thirty: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a taco.

Day Thirty One, The End: A 21st century philosophical question: If someone eats a taco, but doesn’t tweet about it, did they even eat a taco?

Thank you for reading about my adventures in taco tweets. I sincerely hope you’re eating a taco as you read this. For the month of April, I’ll be tweeting about monkeys once a day. Join me.

Yours in tacos,
Joseph
Comedian/Writer/Taco Eater